(dis)organized

yesterday i had a bit of a freak out. looking back, i can see how i got to that place, but in the moment i was just stressed to the max about how i felt like a failure in every area of my life. my house was a mess and i didn't know how it got that way, since i just cleaned it last week. there were clothes strewn around our bedroom haphazardly, some clean and waiting to be folded, some dirty and mere feet away from the hamper, all making me crazy. my office was a paper-filled dusty disaster that did NOT make me feel creative, or even productive enough to get it in shape. i hadn't been to the gym in who knows how long. we haven't been sticking to our budget AT ALL. i didn't feel like i'd actually been ministering to anyone in a way that impacts their life in the slightest. and this darn cold (or whatever the heck it is) is hanging in there much longer than i'd prefer.

today, things look different. i mean, they don't really LOOK that different, because the tidy organizing house cleaner fairy hasn't made her way into my life (does she really exsist? like the tooth fairy? please God?). but my attitude has changed, and i have made a couple of baby steps towards an un-shambled life. (i literally LOVE making up words. although i probably need to write a dictionary of my own dialect.)

it's no surprise to me that these life meltdowns always happen after periods of time where i haven't been digging into my relationship with God. now, i am not saying that Jesus made my house dirty-- but i am saying that when my priorities get out of whack, they REALLY go nuts. and it happens more often than i like. i think working at a church can be really hard on a person's faith... i know it is for mine. don't get me wrong; i am more than grateful for the opportunity to serve in this time, at this place, and for these people. but when the deepest part of your soul is the part that's earning a paycheck and putting in hours behind a desk-- that's tough. it is often hard for me to separate my own faith and my ministry to students.

• when i am at worship-- i am keeping an eye on the kids, helping them behave appropriately (i use those terms very loosely), wondering what they're getting out of the message, and always fielding questions before, after, and during the service from parents and kids. and random people.
• when i am at any youth event, even when they are worshipping-- i am "on," running behind the scenes things, watching out for kids who need to talk (thankfully girls are easy to read. tears? c'mere. hug it out.), adjusting sound and slides and once again, answering all those questions.
• even when i am reading my Bible at home, alone-- my mind always drifts to "what could i teach the kids out of this? do they know this? how can i use this passage to help them?"

youth ministry is not a job i can ever leave at the office, and i am definitely not very good at shutting my mind off and focusing only on God and me. so it's very easy for me to slip into avoiding true, deep spiritual moments and experiences just because i don't want to be working all the time. please hear me: i am not complaining about my job or blaming anyone but myself. i am just trying to figure out how to live this life in a balanced way, and i still have a lot to learn.

anyway. back to yesterday's meltdown. i could give you a deeper reason behind all those different things i mentioned that were stressing me out-- but i don't need to. the main thing is, i haven't been taking care of myself, my husband, or my home the way i WANT to, and it's because i haven't kept God as priority #1. and when i take Him out of that spot He deserves, the rest of my life kind of falls apart. but i think that's good, because it makes me run to Him to put it back together.

and that's just what i'm going to do.

(plus a couple loads of laundry.)